Sheboygan Depress (https://sheboygandepress.com/category/news/)
From some time in 2024: “As part of city officials’ vast plot the federal judge tricked me into saying it again by asking me to recount the event,” Pelishek declared, “I’m certain they’re trying to tarnish my reputation to get their hands on my secret cache of vintage Dunkaroos. Everyone knows those snack treats are the true power behind city planning!”
“Are we just another faceless spot on the map without our beloved Applebee’s?” asked one resident. The town stands on the precipice of an existential void, bracing itself for a future bereft of culinary masterpieces such as Fiesta Lime Chicken and half-priced appetizers.
“For years, I’ve been fishing here and I had never so much as seen a trout with rainbow scales,” lamented Glenbeulah native, Frank Dobson, who claims to have no issue with rainbow trout “doing their thing” in other lakes. “What irks me is when they start flaunting their rainbow scales, swimming around, enjoying their lives, biting on baited hooks. . . It’s like they’re forcing their agenda on me.”
“Hot enough for ya?” Heard throughout Wisconsin streets as residents rejoice at the ability to complain together about the “High” temperatures Wisconsin summers bring. Fears rise as a 60-degree day is on the horizon and residents will need to find other things to complain about.
“Just imagine the advancements they could make for humanity if they were to dedicate the rest of their lives searching the ocean floor for their billionaire brethren,” said the US and Canadian Coast Guards in a joint statement.
Despite the barn’s urgent need for a dental intervention, local dentists have unanimously declined to repair its smile. “It’s hard to feel too sympathetic in this situation,” commented prominent dentist Dr. Elise Diaz. “To be honest, one could argue that the barn probably had it coming.”
Sheboygan residents worried as local family owned bar didn’t open Monday morning. Upon investigation, the family who runs the bar was found dehydrated at the home of “Uncle Bob” who was still telling his story about the deer he shot 10 years ago as everyone was wheeled out and sent to Froedert. The bar is looking to be re-opened by the weekend.
After years of scribing his musings on the walls of various public restrooms, renowned philosopher and part-time unicycle mechanic Fritz Haack is now bringing his unique insights to our illustrious paper.
FBI Feline Recovery Specialist, Agent Clancy Purrington, commented, “In all my years of service, never have I seen such a formidable feline fugitive. We’ve managed to replace the usual coffee in our break rooms with Red Bull. We’re in for a long haul; Artemis has turned this into a game of cat and, well, cat.”
“Look, I understand that this doesn’t really do any harm, in fact, it could stimulate our local economy,” admitted Speaker Robin Loss. “But the Tavern League, one of my and my colleagues biggest backers, isn’t thrilled about people having fun outside of our state’s beloved bars.”
Mattel has equipped the new Malibu of the Midwest Barbie with quintessentially Sheboygan items like a cheesehead hat, Johnsonville brats, a Paradigm tee shirt, a six-pack of 3 Sheeps beer, and a stand-up paddle board to fully encapsulate the wholesome charm of Wisconsin living.
