Sheboygan Depress (https://sheboygandepress.com/category/news/)
After his successful garbage man stunt, Trump hinted at his next bold move during his latest rally. “You know, folks, they said we were garbage, garbage!, and I showed them, didn’t I? Best garbage man costume you’ve ever seen. Huge success, tremendous! Now they’re saying ‘Nazis’! Can you believe it? But, I’m thinking… maybe I dress like this Hitler guy, and boom! No more Nazis, folks, no more. It’ll be big, just huge proof!”
From some time in 2024: “As part of city officials’ vast plot the federal judge tricked me into saying it again by asking me to recount the event,” Pelishek declared, “I’m certain they’re trying to tarnish my reputation to get their hands on my secret cache of vintage Dunkaroos. Everyone knows those snack treats are the true power behind city planning!”
Melinda McCurdy has sent a heartfelt plea for the return of Brat Days. “With no festival to attend, all he did was strum his guitar and knock back beers. Between his relentless renditions of Sex and Beer and his overly enthusiastic interpretation of its lyrics, let’s just say I’m ready for him to be back on the Brat Days stage next year,” she said.
Residents of Wisconsin will have to wait until the next protest or natural disaster to get their free goods, as the smoke cleared early Friday morning. Quoting an anonymous resident: “I was looking forward to a new TV, looks like we’ll just have to wait a week or two for the next climate disaster, pandemic, or police involved shooting.”
Released as a test item in Sheboygan, Culver’s rolled out a new Peanut Butter, Bacon and Jelly burger this week. Reviews are coming back as “Too much flavor” and “Why mess up a good thing with all this nonsense?” The midwest fast food chain is still trying to decide if Sheboygan’s taste buds are to be trusted. Have you tried this? or are you a normal human being?
“I haven’t inhaled air this smoky since my regular Friday nights at Burp’s. It’s such a potent reminder of my younger days,” muses Dorothy Kowalski, of Sheboygan. “These young folks with their clean-air bars, they just don’t know what they’re missing. There’s a certain charm in coming home with your hair and clothes steeped in the scent of an active, bustling night.”
“Are we just another faceless spot on the map without our beloved Applebee’s?” asked one resident. The town stands on the precipice of an existential void, bracing itself for a future bereft of culinary masterpieces such as Fiesta Lime Chicken and half-priced appetizers.
“For years, I’ve been fishing here and I had never so much as seen a trout with rainbow scales,” lamented Glenbeulah native, Frank Dobson, who claims to have no issue with rainbow trout “doing their thing” in other lakes. “What irks me is when they start flaunting their rainbow scales, swimming around, enjoying their lives, biting on baited hooks. . . It’s like they’re forcing their agenda on me.”
“Hot enough for ya?” Heard throughout Wisconsin streets as residents rejoice at the ability to complain together about the “High” temperatures Wisconsin summers bring. Fears rise as a 60-degree day is on the horizon and residents will need to find other things to complain about.
“Just imagine the advancements they could make for humanity if they were to dedicate the rest of their lives searching the ocean floor for their billionaire brethren,” said the US and Canadian Coast Guards in a joint statement.
Despite the barn’s urgent need for a dental intervention, local dentists have unanimously declined to repair its smile. “It’s hard to feel too sympathetic in this situation,” commented prominent dentist Dr. Elise Diaz. “To be honest, one could argue that the barn probably had it coming.”