Smoke clears in the Midwest just as people get ready to loot

Residents of Wisconsin will have to wait until the next protest or natural disaster to get their free goods, as the smoke cleared early Friday morning. Quoting an anonymous resident: “I was looking forward to a new TV, looks like we’ll just have to wait a week or two for the next climate disaster, pandemic, or police involved shooting.”

Culver’s new PB&J Burger too much flavor for Sheboygan

Released as a test item in Sheboygan, Culver’s rolled out a new Peanut Butter, Bacon and Jelly burger this week. Reviews are coming back as “Too much flavor” and “Why mess up a good thing with all this nonsense?” The midwest fast food chain is still trying to decide if Sheboygan’s taste buds are to be trusted. Have you tried this? or are you a normal human being?

Wildfire haze in Sheboygan triggers fond memories of smoke-filled taverns

“I haven’t inhaled air this smoky since my regular Friday nights at Burp’s. It’s such a potent reminder of my younger days,” muses Dorothy Kowalski, of Sheboygan. “These young folks with their clean-air bars, they just don’t know what they’re missing. There’s a certain charm in coming home with your hair and clothes steeped in the scent of an active, bustling night.”

Local man boycotts fishing, claims catching “woke” trout has ruined his pastime

“For years, I’ve been fishing here and I had never so much as seen a trout with rainbow scales,” lamented Glenbeulah native, Frank Dobson, who claims to have no issue with rainbow trout “doing their thing” in other lakes. “What irks me is when they start flaunting their rainbow scales, swimming around, enjoying their lives, biting on baited hooks. . . It’s like they’re forcing their agenda on me.”

Midwest goodbye extends into third day, emergency services called.

Sheboygan residents worried as local family owned bar didn’t open Monday morning. Upon investigation, the family who runs the bar was found dehydrated at the home of “Uncle Bob” who was still telling his story about the deer he shot 10 years ago as everyone was wheeled out and sent to Froedert. The bar is looking to be re-opened by the weekend.