Sheboygan Depress (https://sheboygandepress.com/category/news/)
“It was surprisingly easy to find these books online,” said the power drunk principal. “Both ‘Fun Home’ and ‘Are You My Mother?’ are legally available to be checked out with a quick search on archive.org and we found ‘Gender Queer: A Memoir’ by simply typing the book’s title along with ‘ getcomics.info’ into google. That’s just unacceptable, so I had to pull the plug on the internet to keep our kids safe.”
“I’m at a loss. Do I care more about having control over women’s bodily autonomy since none will let me near them?,” said Regular Schmo on his AM talk radio show on WHNE. “Or… do I care more about compensating for my little pee pee with a love for guns? All I know for sure is most conservative men must be facing the same conundrum.”
“If we allow women to have autonomy over their body, we will rob countless fetuses of the ability to grow up to live in fear of, or even experience, being killed in a mass shooting event and that is in direct conflict with what our forefathers laid out when they created this great nation,” wrote Justice Thomas in his opinion handed down Wednesday morning.
We’ve already determined that schools are holding facilities for kids while their parents work to scrape by serving the economy so Jeff Bezos can continue to afford to build dick rockets. We literally can’t afford to close for the day and statistically speaking less than 1% of kids will die in auto accidents if we open. Big whoop. If you’re scared stay home, but we need to consider the dick rockets.
“The community has been asking for this for a long time and were very excited to start growing our very own olives right here in Sheboygan,” said the land owner Kurt Dayton. “It’s a no-brainer since we know the community isn’t dumb enough to be begging for a restaurant that serves microwave pasta dishes at 1000%+ markup when we already have some of the best, locally owned, Italian restaurants in the country.”
“We’re very excited to honor our German friends and celebrate their culture by eating brats, drinking Sheboygan-made beer, and watching the Packers game,” said Mayor Brian Snorenson. The event is today, Sunday Oct 10th, from 11am – 4pm at 3 Sheeps Taproom.
“I knew the day would come, but I would have never guessed it would only take 8 years,” said Joe Dewey, the owner of the free little library. “They didn’t actually take a book, but I’m sure now that the word is out it’ll happen soon.”
“In 2015 they did a damn good job of ignoring Sheboygan existed,” said Ryan Perger, owner of DP’s Bar & Grill. “For a week, Haven became Kohler and Sheboygan ceased to exist. We literally disappeared for a week. I have no memory of that week of my life. I’m excited to see if they can pull it off again.”
“Pretty sure all of Wisconsin googled ‘Bucks season opener’ somewhere around 5pm on Sunday,” said Brent Neils of Ada. “If you’re one of the few that didn’t, it’s October 19th”
“Maybe you don’t trust your Dr., whom spent years in med school getting brainwashed with hundreds of years of medical knowledge, to give you stitches, treat your cancer, or deliver your baby. We can show you what veterinary medicines and supplies to use so you can do it at home,” said doyerownresearchologist Horace Banger.
“Honestly, I’m just so happy mom and dad aren’t making us take another vacation to Walmart, or Target,” said Wheeler Cabover. “I just can’t wait til I’m 18 and can hit the road on my own.”