Sheboygan Depress (https://sheboygandepress.com/category/news/page/2/)
Sheboygan residents worried as local family owned bar didn’t open Monday morning. Upon investigation, the family who runs the bar was found dehydrated at the home of “Uncle Bob” who was still telling his story about the deer he shot 10 years ago as everyone was wheeled out and sent to Froedert. The bar is looking to be re-opened by the weekend.
After years of scribing his musings on the walls of various public restrooms, renowned philosopher and part-time unicycle mechanic Fritz Haack is now bringing his unique insights to our illustrious paper.
FBI Feline Recovery Specialist, Agent Clancy Purrington, commented, “In all my years of service, never have I seen such a formidable feline fugitive. We’ve managed to replace the usual coffee in our break rooms with Red Bull. We’re in for a long haul; Artemis has turned this into a game of cat and, well, cat.”
“Look, I understand that this doesn’t really do any harm, in fact, it could stimulate our local economy,” admitted Speaker Robin Loss. “But the Tavern League, one of my and my colleagues biggest backers, isn’t thrilled about people having fun outside of our state’s beloved bars.”
Mattel has equipped the new Malibu of the Midwest Barbie with quintessentially Sheboygan items like a cheesehead hat, Johnsonville brats, a Paradigm tee shirt, a six-pack of 3 Sheeps beer, and a stand-up paddle board to fully encapsulate the wholesome charm of Wisconsin living.
One might wonder if this new approach could lead to a hostile work environment or even hinder the police department’s efficacy. However, under Eastriver’s watchful eye, the department has excelled at keeping its rose-colored glasses firmly in place.
“Before Roe v. Wade was overturned I spent every day of my adult life holding up pictures of aborted fetuses, but for the last few months I have felt like my life no longer had purpose,” said Richard Harms. “So, when I had the chance to support Dan Kelly, a group of cells that also lacks the qualities necessary to be considered a human, I jumped at the chance.”
Walter White, teacher, “meth lab explosion”. Kelly Perez, judge, or maybe a nun, “I thought my ex was blowing up my house.” Nick Johansson, porch pirate, “I thought the earth was opening up to swallow me into the depths of hell.” Dr. Lisa Lily, cheese factory worker, “aliens.”
“It was surprisingly easy to find these books online,” said the power drunk principal. “Both ‘Fun Home’ and ‘Are You My Mother?’ are legally available to be checked out with a quick search on archive.org and we found ‘Gender Queer: A Memoir’ by simply typing the book’s title along with ‘ getcomics.info’ into google. That’s just unacceptable, so I had to pull the plug on the internet to keep our kids safe.”
“As the possibility of snow approaches, people are already starting to stockpile their go-to snow storm related complaints and conversation starters,” explained linguistics expert Dr. John Brown. He warns that it could become difficult to travel anywhere without running into some snow related discussion and recommends staying in if at all possible.