Sheboygan Depress (https://sheboygandepress.com/page/4/)
We’ve already determined that schools are holding facilities for kids while their parents work to scrape by serving the economy so Jeff Bezos can continue to afford to build dick rockets. We literally can’t afford to close for the day and statistically speaking less than 1% of kids will die in auto accidents if we open. Big whoop. If you’re scared stay home, but we need to consider the dick rockets.
“The community has been asking for this for a long time and were very excited to start growing our very own olives right here in Sheboygan,” said the land owner Kurt Dayton. “It’s a no-brainer since we know the community isn’t dumb enough to be begging for a restaurant that serves microwave pasta dishes at 1000%+ markup when we already have some of the best, locally owned, Italian restaurants in the country.”
“We’re very excited to honor our German friends and celebrate their culture by eating brats, drinking Sheboygan-made beer, and watching the Packers game,” said Mayor Brian Snorenson. The event is today, Sunday Oct 10th, from 11am – 4pm at 3 Sheeps Taproom.
“I knew the day would come, but I would have never guessed it would only take 8 years,” said Joe Dewey, the owner of the free little library. “They didn’t actually take a book, but I’m sure now that the word is out it’ll happen soon.”
“In 2015 they did a damn good job of ignoring Sheboygan existed,” said Ryan Perger, owner of DP’s Bar & Grill. “For a week, Haven became Kohler and Sheboygan ceased to exist. We literally disappeared for a week. I have no memory of that week of my life. I’m excited to see if they can pull it off again.”
“Pretty sure all of Wisconsin googled ‘Bucks season opener’ somewhere around 5pm on Sunday,” said Brent Neils of Ada. “If you’re one of the few that didn’t, it’s October 19th”
“Maybe you don’t trust your Dr., whom spent years in med school getting brainwashed with hundreds of years of medical knowledge, to give you stitches, treat your cancer, or deliver your baby. We can show you what veterinary medicines and supplies to use so you can do it at home,” said doyerownresearchologist Horace Banger.
“Honestly, I’m just so happy mom and dad aren’t making us take another vacation to Walmart, or Target,” said Wheeler Cabover. “I just can’t wait til I’m 18 and can hit the road on my own.”
“Look, we know the truth, but these parents are fucking scary”, said board member Santos Tester. “That mom over there used to give me swirlies every day, so now I just do whatever she demands!”
“I don’t trust Doctors, but since this one is recommending something I planned on doing, I’m going to have to confer with my mechanic to see what he thinks,” said Dimwit McBumblefuck of Oostburg.
“The community has been asking for this for a long time and were very excited to start growing our very own olives right here in Sheboygan,” said the land owner Kurt Dayton. “It’s a no-brainer since we know the community isn’t dumb enough to be begging for a restaurant that serves microwave pasta dishes at 1000%+ markup when we already have some of the best, locally owned, Italian restaurants in the country.”
“We’re very excited to honor our German friends and celebrate their culture by eating brats, drinking Sheboygan-made beer, and watching the Packers game,” said Mayor Brian Snorenson. The event is today, Sunday Oct 10th, from 11am – 4pm at 3 Sheeps Taproom.
“I knew the day would come, but I would have never guessed it would only take 8 years,” said Joe Dewey, the owner of the free little library. “They didn’t actually take a book, but I’m sure now that the word is out it’ll happen soon.”
“In 2015 they did a damn good job of ignoring Sheboygan existed,” said Ryan Perger, owner of DP’s Bar & Grill. “For a week, Haven became Kohler and Sheboygan ceased to exist. We literally disappeared for a week. I have no memory of that week of my life. I’m excited to see if they can pull it off again.”
“Pretty sure all of Wisconsin googled ‘Bucks season opener’ somewhere around 5pm on Sunday,” said Brent Neils of Ada. “If you’re one of the few that didn’t, it’s October 19th”
“Maybe you don’t trust your Dr., whom spent years in med school getting brainwashed with hundreds of years of medical knowledge, to give you stitches, treat your cancer, or deliver your baby. We can show you what veterinary medicines and supplies to use so you can do it at home,” said doyerownresearchologist Horace Banger.
“Honestly, I’m just so happy mom and dad aren’t making us take another vacation to Walmart, or Target,” said Wheeler Cabover. “I just can’t wait til I’m 18 and can hit the road on my own.”
“Look, we know the truth, but these parents are fucking scary”, said board member Santos Tester. “That mom over there used to give me swirlies every day, so now I just do whatever she demands!”
“I don’t trust Doctors, but since this one is recommending something I planned on doing, I’m going to have to confer with my mechanic to see what he thinks,” said Dimwit McBumblefuck of Oostburg.
“Yes we’re aware that the delta variant is sending more kids to the hospital and we’re aware that universal masking does indeed work. We’re willing to ignore those facts and risk the death of a kid or two if it means we won’t have to listen to a bunch of sleeveless-shirt wearing dads and Karen-cut moms bellyache all year,” said a spokesperson for the school board in a press release.