Sheboygan Depress (https://sheboygandepress.com/category/news/page/3/)
I used to think voting was just a way to get a free sticker to impress my Instagram followers,” admitted part-time influencer Jake Smith. “But then I realized that the people I vote for could actually end up in charge of stuff like schools, roads, and taxes. That’s like, a lot of pressure!
The Award from the Depress Institute honors the lack of journalistic integrity displayed in WHBL’s Nov. 8th coverage of City Administrator Todd Wolf being placed on on leave. “At first we were worried that someone else had started writing satire,” said the Depress Institute’s Chair and only member, Chaz Cole. “Spreading wild conspiracy theories of a diversity group being capable of quietly orchestrating Wolf’s failures to get him suspended would be hilarious as satire, but to do it with a straight face… kudos. Enjoy your, well earned, award.”
“Right now our people are worried that if they use abhorrent, harmful, words that the public will expect us to show we are committed to inclusivity and equality rather than just saying we are,” said City Administrator Rod Fox. “This new dress code is the best way for our people to know they’re in a safe space whenever we get the clan together.”
“I’m at a loss. Do I care more about having control over women’s bodily autonomy since none will let me near them?,” said Regular Schmo on his AM talk radio show on WHNE. “Or… do I care more about compensating for my little pee pee with a love for guns? All I know for sure is most conservative men must be facing the same conundrum.”
“If we allow women to have autonomy over their body, we will rob countless fetuses of the ability to grow up to live in fear of, or even experience, being killed in a mass shooting event and that is in direct conflict with what our forefathers laid out when they created this great nation,” wrote Justice Thomas in his opinion handed down Wednesday morning.
We’ve already determined that schools are holding facilities for kids while their parents work to scrape by serving the economy so Jeff Bezos can continue to afford to build dick rockets. We literally can’t afford to close for the day and statistically speaking less than 1% of kids will die in auto accidents if we open. Big whoop. If you’re scared stay home, but we need to consider the dick rockets.
“The community has been asking for this for a long time and were very excited to start growing our very own olives right here in Sheboygan,” said the land owner Kurt Dayton. “It’s a no-brainer since we know the community isn’t dumb enough to be begging for a restaurant that serves microwave pasta dishes at 1000%+ markup when we already have some of the best, locally owned, Italian restaurants in the country.”
“We’re very excited to honor our German friends and celebrate their culture by eating brats, drinking Sheboygan-made beer, and watching the Packers game,” said Mayor Brian Snorenson. The event is today, Sunday Oct 10th, from 11am – 4pm at 3 Sheeps Taproom.
“I knew the day would come, but I would have never guessed it would only take 8 years,” said Joe Dewey, the owner of the free little library. “They didn’t actually take a book, but I’m sure now that the word is out it’ll happen soon.”
“In 2015 they did a damn good job of ignoring Sheboygan existed,” said Ryan Perger, owner of DP’s Bar & Grill. “For a week, Haven became Kohler and Sheboygan ceased to exist. We literally disappeared for a week. I have no memory of that week of my life. I’m excited to see if they can pull it off again.”