Sheboygan Depress (https://sheboygandepress.com/category/news/page/8/)
“It’s so much easier to ticket people, needlessly, when the plows aren’t out, it isn’t slippery, and windshield wipers aren’t covered in ice,” Said Sargent Pepper. “We should move the winter parking rules to summer to make it a more convenient means of revenue generation.”
“He begged for all of humanity and sure he fed it and nurtured it for a little bit in the beginning,” said The Father, “but now he’s just totally abandoned it. I can’t believe it’s survived this long”
“Well hey everybody! I’m here to announce that I’m running for mayor,” said Jimbo while riding a unicycle and honking his nose. “The first thing I want to say to the voting public is, I promise to pretend I’ve won this election, regardless of its actual outcome!”
“200 Pounds of rice ($120) makes 480 1 cup servings, making it a very smart, low-risk, medium term investment. At two cups per day you’ll make it until August, when Congress will undoubtedly offer an extremely generous $300 stimulus check attached to more massive corporate handouts,” wrote Thomas Moore, AAMS. “I am very bullish on wool socks ($25), long underwear ($35), and a 0 degree down sleeping bag ($220). You’ll also need a tent for privacy ($120) and a nice pair of boots with some extra big straps ($80).”
“I heard it’s only in the UK and Australia right now, or something,” said Benton Molina. “Then it will probably come to New York and Cali. Then, like everything else, we’ll probably get it last.”
“After I end their lives, I empty their pockets and send it to the corporations,” said the Wisconsin senator and garbage person, Ron Johnson.
“I really wish we knew the meaning of this,” said local monolith expert Stan Q. Brick. “I don’t know if we should be honored, or scared, but I think we’re the first location to get more than one.”
“I’ll quit when I’m dead,” Said Mr. North Stack. “I’ve already seen evidence that my body is shutting down, at this rate I’ll be completely done in a year or two, so what’s the point.”
“The park has my grandma’s surname, so it’s basically ours. It’s only right the city hands it over,” said Herbet Kohler Jr. “We’re excited to host the 2026 USPMGA Master’s tournament.” Kohler says rounds will cost roughly $200 to “keep out the plebeians.”
“Even Trump nominated Supreme Court Justices and Fox News have joined,” said Deep State spokesperson, Jeffrey Mason. “The only people in power that aren’t members are the Trump family, Sean Hannity, and Rush Limbaugh. Regardless, maybe it’s time to go back to using our original name, the State.”