Sheboygan Depress (https://sheboygandepress.com/category/news/page/5/)
“When we heard reports of a man burning dozens of brats over an open fire in Sheboygan we were horrified,” said Jean-Michel Lémery, director of UN Child Protective Services. “It’s truly sad and disgusting; burnt brats are the worst.”
“After the city received numerous complaints from baby boomers, a generation that is used to having literally every aspect of public life prioritize their needs, common council voted unanimously to require Bird to make the switch,” said Alderperson Clay Kitschelt
“It seems as though during these primitive times people worshiped the wealthy and let them do whatever the fuck they wanted,” said archeologist Sila Sharade. “The site has been deemed historically insignificant, but will be digitally recorded and reconstructed before being cleared for future development.”
“They tried to force us to wear masks like sheeps and now they are trying to force us to not wear them,” said Jim Kuentz. ” It’s all about them controlling the masses and I am having none of it. I will wear a mask everywhere, thank you very much.”
“To avoid this type of outcome in the future we must better train the men and women of law enforcement,” the Police Union of Minneapolis said in a statement. “If Officer Chauvin had been better trained to produce even slightly less evidence while committing murder, we are certain the outcome of this case would have been much better.”
After the results came in Brian Jorgenson, a 27 week old baby, spit up and pooped himself, which, despite not even being sworn in yet, is actually more productive than Mike Blandersteen was in the last four years as mayor.
“The annual Depress Sheboygan’s Choice Awards are probably the single most important vote you can cast on any given year,” said Barry Kramer. “It is my civic duty and I take it extremely seriously. It’s important for everyone to participate so Depress can sell ads to local businesses.”
“I have worked very hard to help the empty lot population flourish over the last eight years,” said incumbent mayoral candidate Ike Blandersteen. “I think my dedication to growing Sheboygan’s empty lot population by helping get rid of the dirty free loading building population is why I am receiving so much so their support.”
“What really has us confused is that we’ve yet to find any paraphernalia or drugs of any kind on any of these kids,” Said Chief Mike Wazowski. “It’s like they just stand there and get high. It’s as if there is something in the air.”
“Like the new hospital and, well, basically all of Deer Trace, we think its important that we ensure Kohler continues to expand their tax base,” said city planner Brad Belichick. “So hopefully we can fuck this up so they can have it. We’ll be excitingly awaiting the next housing development.”