Sheboygan Depress (https://sheboygandepress.com/author/sheboygandepress_3mrfo5/page/7/)
“Drivers should learn to hockey stop, or start braking at least two blocks before they hope to stop,” said DPW Director, Dale Bieber. “Its just too cold for salt to be effective. We could use sand, but that costs money and we’re saving up for a pizza party.”
“Honestly, whenever I heard her say it, I wondered if she thought she was fooling someone,” said her 12 year old granddaughter, Eva Kolb. “It’s like, come on grandma, you may as well just start dropping the N-word.”
“It’s very important I know exactly what the people of Sheboygan care about so that I can ensure I am ignoring as many of those issues as possible,” said Mayor Mike Pandersteen. The survey can be found at http://bit.ly/2021SheboyganSurvey
“It’s just really refreshing to no longer have to be worried about all of the problems we’ve faced as a nation now that the guy I voted for is in office,” said Paul Kirk of Sheboygan Falls
“It’s going to be called ‘The American Dream’ line”, said the entrepreneur and open fascist, Lindell. “Considering what it all used to represent, it’s really impressive the price I negotiated, I guess we really did a number on it.”
Warren Harding was removed from Myspace after sharing nude photos of his mistress Nan Britton. James Buchanan was famously banned from Live Journal in 1860 after writing an open letter to South Carolina stating: “Be strong; you must secede!” He later claimed “secede” was a typo and he meant “succeed”.
“Nobody has ever done anything like this before,” said President Trump. “When I first pitched the idea six years ago people in the room said it was the most genius idea they have ever heard; ratings will be huge. So America, I am here to tell you, you’ve been TRUMP’D.”
“Just look at what’s happening in D.C. right now,” said 2020. “You think this would happen in any other year? I’m not done until I say I’m done. Strap in mother fuckers.”
“We haven’t established a motive for his impersonation of a Sheboyganite at this time,” said Detective Kimble. “Our investigation is ongoing, but it’s pretty cut and dried regardless.”
They also made a number of other bold predictions about the coming year:
– Mitch McConnell will be found to be dead set on obstructing democratic legislative agenda.
– We will continue to see warming temperatures, reaching at least 294 degrees Kelvin by July.
– Anti-Vaxxers will be proven to be right in their belief that Bill Gates really wants everyone to be vaccinated.