Sheboygan Depress (https://sheboygandepress.com/author/sheboygandepress_3mrfo5/page/4/)
“In 2015 they did a damn good job of ignoring Sheboygan existed,” said Ryan Perger, owner of DP’s Bar & Grill. “For a week, Haven became Kohler and Sheboygan ceased to exist. We literally disappeared for a week. I have no memory of that week of my life. I’m excited to see if they can pull it off again.”
“Pretty sure all of Wisconsin googled ‘Bucks season opener’ somewhere around 5pm on Sunday,” said Brent Neils of Ada. “If you’re one of the few that didn’t, it’s October 19th”
“Maybe you don’t trust your Dr., whom spent years in med school getting brainwashed with hundreds of years of medical knowledge, to give you stitches, treat your cancer, or deliver your baby. We can show you what veterinary medicines and supplies to use so you can do it at home,” said doyerownresearchologist Horace Banger.
“Honestly, I’m just so happy mom and dad aren’t making us take another vacation to Walmart, or Target,” said Wheeler Cabover. “I just can’t wait til I’m 18 and can hit the road on my own.”
“Look, we know the truth, but these parents are fucking scary”, said board member Santos Tester. “That mom over there used to give me swirlies every day, so now I just do whatever she demands!”
“I don’t trust Doctors, but since this one is recommending something I planned on doing, I’m going to have to confer with my mechanic to see what he thinks,” said Dimwit McBumblefuck of Oostburg.
“Yes we’re aware that the delta variant is sending more kids to the hospital and we’re aware that universal masking does indeed work. We’re willing to ignore those facts and risk the death of a kid or two if it means we won’t have to listen to a bunch of sleeveless-shirt wearing dads and Karen-cut moms bellyache all year,” said a spokesperson for the school board in a press release.
“Eve 6 got booked only 11 years after their one hit and they didn’t get anywhere near as much playtime on Sheboygan’s WHFZ The Fuzz,” said front man Aaron Bruno. “We’re hoping we get the call soon.”
“We just put the PSA on WHPL and within hours there were angry white guys at all the former seagull hot spots yelling at any birds that came near”, said Sheboygan Ornithologist Robin Goldfinch. “It actually worked better than we expected and we’re saving the city a lot of money.”
“Past leadership deferring road repairs created a unique opportunity to get people to experience new parts of Sheboygan,” said Mayor Snorenson. “By fixing as many roads as possible simultaneously people are learning new routes to their favorite places and finding great hidden gems in the process.”