News
Betsy Devos announces Russian Roulette now required K12 phys ed curriculum
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“Apparently only 1 in 1,000 rounds will be live,” Said local father Thomas Smallwood. “Obviously some children are going to die, just hopefully not mine.”
News
Former City Administrator apologizes after revealing he misunderstood his job title as “shitty Administrator”
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“I really can’t believe no one said anything for four years. I’m so embarrassed,” said former City Administrator Darren Hoffman. “You have to admit though, I did a pretty great job of being a shitty Administrator.”
News
President Trump announces removed mailboxes will be repurposed as garbage cans and reinstalled in their original location
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“Democrat run cities have a terrible problem with littering. They say it’s the worst ever; piles of trash everywhere,” President Trump said in an interview on Fox and Friends. “So we decided to reuse the mailboxes for garbage. People are saying it’s the biggest genius presidential order and act of voter suppression ever!”
News
Oshkosh man wins $1,000 in COVID-19 office death pool
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“I am the 3 time office fantasy football champ, but with sports being up in the air, we tried something new this year,” said Pat Burhop, 45. “What no one knew was that, besides being in seemingly good shape, Tiffany had diabetes. She was my dark horse.”
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Opinion: Do you eat tomatoes? Please take some!
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There are so many fucking tomatoes. I have resorted chasing down random people walking on my sidewalk and making them take some. Please help your parents, grandparents, neighbors, and/or friends and take some goddamn tomatoes.
News
GoFundMe created for city after damage caused by years of poor financial decisions
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“We’ve maxed out the city’s credit on economic development pipe dreams and deferred property taxes on almost all recent development projects. In other words, we’re broke,” said Common Council President Brian Jorgensen. “That’s why we’re asking taxpayers to pull their weight by contributing to the GoFundMe.”
News
New research suggests 5G technology is making people dumb
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“It’s not the actual radio waves; those are harmless,” said Dr. Alexis Bell, a researcher at UW Madison. “It’s the idiotic conspiracy theories being passed around the internet. Those are completely divorced from reality and they seem to be making people stupid.”
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Super patriotic parents upset kids can’t represent racist anti-American losers at school
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“We love our country and that’s why we want Joe Jr. to proudly wear the symbol of traitors that got their asses kicked by the United States,” said Joe Meyer, 43.
News
City of Sheboygan announces Buzzword District initiative
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“The district will create synergies between triple bottom line start-ups with a focus on walkability, sustainability, and green infrastructure through placemaking and densification,” said city planner, Brad Belichick. “Best of all, the consultant only costed $50k to write that sentence.”
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Millennials unironically expect same quality of life as generations before them; Boomers baffled by word unironically
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“They need to stop spending their time making up words and start pulling on their bootstraps to pay off all the public debt my generation created,” said Bob Hirsch of Kohler.