News
President undergoes live colonoscopy on Fox News; proves he is full of shit
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“He told me to tell you that he is the most full of shit person I have ever examined,” Said Dr. Joey Mengele III, PHD.
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Thesaurus.com apologizes after bug excluded ‘terrorist’ from all search results yesterday
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“We found it astonishing that all of yesterday’s reporting about the terrorist plot to abduct and assassinate Michigan’s Governor failed to use the word terrorist,” said one of the site’s engineers, Rebecca Wilson. “Our team investigated, and found a bug in our software and fixed it. Hopefully this will allow for more accurate reporting moving forward.”
News
Gang members at Sheboygan County Prison speak out about facility’s COVID-19 outbreak
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“This is total bullshit man. We used to be the most feared thing within these walls,” said a gang member, whom spoke with depress on the condition of anonymity. “Now no one takes us seriously. I haven’t had a second dessert in weeks!”
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Ron Johnson shares favorite crow recipe with Trump campaign and fellow GOP senators
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“Sometimes you have to eat crow,” said Senator Johnson. “Right now there is a lot of crow to be eaten, so I figured I would try to make it as pleasant as possible for my friends and colleagues.”
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Trump announces ‘perfect’ COVID-19 test; claims Doctor called it most positive ever
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“The COVID test is very easy. I don’t know why everyone has been so worried about it,” said President Trump. “I bet sleepy Joe wouldn’t have such a positive test.”
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Viral TikTok kindergarten teacher named as next debate moderator
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“Her ability to get annoying children to take turns and mute and unmute their microphones made it an obvious choice,” said Commission of Presidential Master Debaters Director Jane Braun.
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Local D&D campaign on hiatus after 2020 one-ups all of DM’s plot lines
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“No matter how crazy of a story I’d write this year would do something crazier,” said the group’s Dungeon Master, Michael Wheeler. “It’s hard to keep player interest when real life is more terrifying and fantastical than fantasy.”
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During ‘Taco Bell run’ break from months long Call of Duty session, Scott Fitzgerald comments on mask mandate
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“We’re not stopping our vacation; there are too many newbs to frag,” said the Wisconsin Senate Majority Leader (Gamertag: X10DeadSlaycation). “We’ll make the courts do the dirty work so we can deny responsibility and still collect our fat paychecks.”
News
Local box needs its slot filled by as many people as possible
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“We’d love to break a record for the number of people that fill the box,” said City Clerk Mary Beth DeBrew. “It’s extremely safe and very discrete.”
News
Sheboygan Falls Middle School goes virtual after “socially distanced” make out party spreads COVID-19
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“Adults just put socially distanced in front of all of their unsafe social activities, so we figured it would protect us,” said a shrugging Madison Mendez, a student at the school.