Sheboygan Depress (https://sheboygandepress.com/author/sheboygandepress_3mrfo5/)
‘When we set out to reimagine Brat Days, we aimed to bring something fresh and exciting to Sheboygan,’ said Jaycee spokesperson Kevin ‘Kegger’ McBrewster. ‘It’s just a wild coincidence that our reimagined festival looks exactly the same as every other year!’
Sources reveal Sheboygan students offered meteorologists a treasure trove of rare Pokémon cards in exchange for a forecast resulting in a snow day. ‘We figured they couldn’t resist our Charizards and Pikachus,’ confessed Ethan Perez, a fourth-grader and alleged mastermind behind the plot, ‘Everyone loves Pokémon!'”
Santa revealed that the incessant noise from the Edgewater power plant was due to one of his helpers getting stuck in the chimney. ‘He was just stopping by to pick up coal for the naughty kids,’ Santa explained with a chuckle. ‘We’ve docked his pay and put him on unpaid leave for the disturbance,’ he said, after the relentless drone that disturbed Sheboygan’s peace was silenced early on December 26th
Keep reading while we continue to cover all the latest developments regarding soulless corporate chains in Sheboygan and occasionally spotlight one of our three favorite local businesses, just to keep up appearances.
From some time in 2024: “As part of city officials’ vast plot the federal judge tricked me into saying it again by asking me to recount the event,” Pelishek declared, “I’m certain they’re trying to tarnish my reputation to get their hands on my secret cache of vintage Dunkaroos. Everyone knows those snack treats are the true power behind city planning!”
Melinda McCurdy has sent a heartfelt plea for the return of Brat Days. “With no festival to attend, all he did was strum his guitar and knock back beers. Between his relentless renditions of Sex and Beer and his overly enthusiastic interpretation of its lyrics, let’s just say I’m ready for him to be back on the Brat Days stage next year,” she said.
“I haven’t inhaled air this smoky since my regular Friday nights at Burp’s. It’s such a potent reminder of my younger days,” muses Dorothy Kowalski, of Sheboygan. “These young folks with their clean-air bars, they just don’t know what they’re missing. There’s a certain charm in coming home with your hair and clothes steeped in the scent of an active, bustling night.”
“Are we just another faceless spot on the map without our beloved Applebee’s?” asked one resident. The town stands on the precipice of an existential void, bracing itself for a future bereft of culinary masterpieces such as Fiesta Lime Chicken and half-priced appetizers.
“For years, I’ve been fishing here and I had never so much as seen a trout with rainbow scales,” lamented Glenbeulah native, Frank Dobson, who claims to have no issue with rainbow trout “doing their thing” in other lakes. “What irks me is when they start flaunting their rainbow scales, swimming around, enjoying their lives, biting on baited hooks. . . It’s like they’re forcing their agenda on me.”
“Just imagine the advancements they could make for humanity if they were to dedicate the rest of their lives searching the ocean floor for their billionaire brethren,” said the US and Canadian Coast Guards in a joint statement.